25.04.2017 Why do I feel anxious?

25.04.2017

Why do I feel anxious?

Control … that’s it, I am surrounded by situations where I am helpless and cannot change the outcome. I fear the potential that something may go wrong, even when usually nothing has happened.

Such as the repeated and recurrence of my grandma and her illness, the illness of other family members and the cropping up of new illness / situations of others. Even my logical brain can understand that people get older, and they get ill … or if someone is ill the hospital or the doctor is the best place for them, but all I focus on is the what ifs and the potential problematic outcome.

Or the what if I do something wrong at work, I am aware of the workload I have to complete, my boss has even told me that the things I do at work are not “life or death”, we have even increased the number of hours I work so that I can manage my workload a little better, and complete the jobs at hand quicker / easier. But that does not affect the complete feeling of dread I get when I receive a phone call etc. I just get myself in the mindset that I have done something wrong and I am going to get told off. Then my brain goes into overdrive .. what if the thing I have done wrong gets me sacked … how will we cope for money .. etc etc. All this and the phone call may just be to say hi, or what did I want from the coffee shop.

I do understand how irrational this may seem, however to me it’s a constant feeling of worry and dread. From waking up in a morning, throughout the day, to trying to get to sleep at night. It is constant and some days are worse than others.

I am not good for turning my mind off, and when I start to get “the feeling” my stomach turns, I feel / be sick, get very tearful, sometimes just get inside my head and fully burst into tears and usually start to breath funny.

I recently had a situation where I was on holiday with my partner, and had stuff on my mind regards family and illness, and some worry about work. I couldn’t even switch off walking up a mountain in the lake district. However .. I sadly on this occasion could not physically manage to reach the summit, and I totally got in my head that I was a failure, and what is the point anyway, and burst into tears, not a good thing when trying to walk down the side of a mountain and watch your footing. But everything just swimming around gets on top of me and one last thing can tip me over the edge.

Today has not been the best day, home alone whilst my partner is at work and I have the power of google at my hands (well until the internet went offline). I can read and read and research ideas of what to do for anxiety and look to practice mindfulness. But I feel like I have been there, and already done that and I am not getting further forwards. I have done the usual trick, analysed my meals and food (I naturally eat very healthily so nothing really needs to change) but I try and analyse it and “take back control” of my body. I tried talking to others today (I am not a talker) but I just feel like I am burdening them with my issues, and that I should be able to find a way to “fix myself”.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I will never feel “better” and this dark cloud is going to be hovering over me. I want to feel like myself again. Right now I don’t know what to do or how to approach feeling better.

I just want to wake up and be able to take each day as it comes, and if there are a few bumps in the road along the way just deal with them like a “normal person”.

What am I scared of:

·        Family dying

·         Loosing my job

·         Stressing tom out with always being sad and anxious and then as a result loosing him

·         Being lonely and isolated

·         Making myself physically sick and “worse”

·         becoming a burden to others and causing more stress