25.04.2017
Why do I
feel anxious?
Control … that’s
it, I am surrounded by situations where I am helpless and cannot change the
outcome. I fear the potential that something may go wrong, even when usually
nothing has happened.
Such as the
repeated and recurrence of my grandma and her illness, the illness of other
family members and the cropping up of new illness / situations of others. Even
my logical brain can understand that people get older, and they get ill … or if
someone is ill the hospital or the doctor is the best place for them, but all I
focus on is the what ifs and the potential problematic outcome.
Or the what
if I do something wrong at work, I am aware of the workload I have to complete,
my boss has even told me that the things I do at work are not “life or death”,
we have even increased the number of hours I work so that I can manage my
workload a little better, and complete the jobs at hand quicker / easier. But
that does not affect the complete feeling of dread I get when I receive a phone
call etc. I just get myself in the mindset that I have done something wrong and
I am going to get told off. Then my brain goes into overdrive .. what if the
thing I have done wrong gets me sacked … how will we cope for money .. etc etc.
All this and the phone call may just be to say hi, or what did I want from the
coffee shop.
I do
understand how irrational this may seem, however to me it’s a constant feeling
of worry and dread. From waking up in a morning, throughout the day, to trying
to get to sleep at night. It is constant and some days are worse than others.
I am not
good for turning my mind off, and when I start to get “the feeling” my stomach
turns, I feel / be sick, get very tearful, sometimes just get inside my head
and fully burst into tears and usually start to breath funny.
I recently
had a situation where I was on holiday with my partner, and had stuff on my mind
regards family and illness, and some worry about work. I couldn’t even switch
off walking up a mountain in the lake district. However .. I sadly on this
occasion could not physically manage to reach the summit, and I totally got in my
head that I was a failure, and what is the point anyway, and burst into tears,
not a good thing when trying to walk down the side of a mountain and watch your
footing. But everything just swimming around gets on top of me and one last
thing can tip me over the edge.
Today has
not been the best day, home alone whilst my partner is at work and I have the
power of google at my hands (well until the internet went offline). I can read
and read and research ideas of what to do for anxiety and look to practice
mindfulness. But I feel like I have been there, and already done that and I am
not getting further forwards. I have done the usual trick, analysed my meals
and food (I naturally eat very healthily so nothing really needs to change) but
I try and analyse it and “take back control” of my body. I tried talking to
others today (I am not a talker) but I just feel like I am burdening them with
my issues, and that I should be able to find a way to “fix myself”.
I don’t know what to do, I feel like
I will never feel “better” and this dark cloud is going to be hovering over me.
I want to feel like myself again. Right now I don’t know what to do or how to approach
feeling better.
I just want to wake up and be able to
take each day as it comes, and if there are a few bumps in the road along the
way just deal with them like a “normal person”.
What am I scared of:
· Family dying
·
Loosing
my job
·
Stressing
tom out with always being sad and anxious and then as a result loosing him
·
Being
lonely and isolated
·
Making
myself physically sick and “worse”
·
becoming
a burden to others and causing more stress
