Life updates, Why have I been so quiet? Whats Been going on?

Hi all,

Well, I'm back after a very long time away, There has been a lot going on here in the last 6 months and I simply feel like I haven't had time to sit and write.

I have a new job
I have had Hernia Surgery
I have got hair extensions
I have a new car

I now work for the national trust in the catering team at Clumber Park. I LOVE it! I feel like I finally belong, and have found a job I love to go to and get up in a morning and look forward to it. Yes, I have taken a pay drop and had to rearrange and reassess my spending. But its well worth it for actually feeling and being truly happy. My family have all commented on how I seem genuinely settled and happy.

I around easter found a lump in my stomach that was very painful, which ended up being a "paraumbilical hernia". I was signed off work and was operated on within 3 weeks. It was a painful recovery, and now 4 months on I am still not 100% strong in my core and stomach, but it has made me concentrate on eating well, and gentler forms of exercise and the process of building back up.

My hair never grows, and if you have been here for a while I have documented this. I have tried biotin and millions of different products. So finally I have taken the plunge and got tape in extensions, (I am now on my second install). They have lasted me about 8 weeks before needing to come out and be retaped and reinstalled. I have been truly amazed at how much my hair is growing while I have them in. I think its a mixture of the extra heat on my head and the sulphate etc free shampoo I am using to maintain them. I know it is growing as I am needing my roots doing every 8 weeks, and I can usually manage 12 weeks. I think they will be installed 2 more times and then my hair should have grown to my desired length.

I had a big life change last year when my sister died, and one thing I have learnt is that life is true too short and if you want something go out and do it. Well, I have always wanted a convertible "Sunday car". And I worked hard and saved hard and thankfully I went and bought it just before the summer weather started. I have been very thankful and happy to be driving around with the top down and tunes on over the last few weeks. Whenever I have felt low this has been a sure way to very quickly pick me up.

25.04.2017 Why do I feel anxious?

25.04.2017

Why do I feel anxious?

Control … that’s it, I am surrounded by situations where I am helpless and cannot change the outcome. I fear the potential that something may go wrong, even when usually nothing has happened.

Such as the repeated and recurrence of my grandma and her illness, the illness of other family members and the cropping up of new illness / situations of others. Even my logical brain can understand that people get older, and they get ill … or if someone is ill the hospital or the doctor is the best place for them, but all I focus on is the what ifs and the potential problematic outcome.

Or the what if I do something wrong at work, I am aware of the workload I have to complete, my boss has even told me that the things I do at work are not “life or death”, we have even increased the number of hours I work so that I can manage my workload a little better, and complete the jobs at hand quicker / easier. But that does not affect the complete feeling of dread I get when I receive a phone call etc. I just get myself in the mindset that I have done something wrong and I am going to get told off. Then my brain goes into overdrive .. what if the thing I have done wrong gets me sacked … how will we cope for money .. etc etc. All this and the phone call may just be to say hi, or what did I want from the coffee shop.

I do understand how irrational this may seem, however to me it’s a constant feeling of worry and dread. From waking up in a morning, throughout the day, to trying to get to sleep at night. It is constant and some days are worse than others.

I am not good for turning my mind off, and when I start to get “the feeling” my stomach turns, I feel / be sick, get very tearful, sometimes just get inside my head and fully burst into tears and usually start to breath funny.

I recently had a situation where I was on holiday with my partner, and had stuff on my mind regards family and illness, and some worry about work. I couldn’t even switch off walking up a mountain in the lake district. However .. I sadly on this occasion could not physically manage to reach the summit, and I totally got in my head that I was a failure, and what is the point anyway, and burst into tears, not a good thing when trying to walk down the side of a mountain and watch your footing. But everything just swimming around gets on top of me and one last thing can tip me over the edge.

Today has not been the best day, home alone whilst my partner is at work and I have the power of google at my hands (well until the internet went offline). I can read and read and research ideas of what to do for anxiety and look to practice mindfulness. But I feel like I have been there, and already done that and I am not getting further forwards. I have done the usual trick, analysed my meals and food (I naturally eat very healthily so nothing really needs to change) but I try and analyse it and “take back control” of my body. I tried talking to others today (I am not a talker) but I just feel like I am burdening them with my issues, and that I should be able to find a way to “fix myself”.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I will never feel “better” and this dark cloud is going to be hovering over me. I want to feel like myself again. Right now I don’t know what to do or how to approach feeling better.

I just want to wake up and be able to take each day as it comes, and if there are a few bumps in the road along the way just deal with them like a “normal person”.

What am I scared of:

·        Family dying

·         Loosing my job

·         Stressing tom out with always being sad and anxious and then as a result loosing him

·         Being lonely and isolated

·         Making myself physically sick and “worse”

·         becoming a burden to others and causing more stress

Positive thoughts are making positive changes in my life!

I am so thankful for all chances and opportunities in my life, Some may not have worked out, and be upsetting along the way, however “everything happens for a reason” must be true! I have in the last 2 weeks felt the happiest, most relaxed and optimistic person.

I know some people may not think my life is perfect, & some people are criticizing my choices & current situation. However I am thankful for the opportunity to get myself back into a positive place, work hard for myself, and now have a plan & very achievable goals.

Thanks to all who have supported me and given me the chance to grow, develop, be happy & mostly be myself again.

Nicola

#positiveoutlook #icandoit #iwilldoit

February favourites 2015

February favourites:

Well it has been a year since my first (and only) YouTube video which was about this.

This month I have been liking a few things not all product based but I shall share.

Food: I have since the New Year been very conscious of watching what I eat, I can say I have been proactive in the search for Gluten Free products to replace the items I loved in “normal” food. This month I have found I like Genius Multi seed bread rolls and Newburn Bakehouse (wabertons) sliced white bread. I also have really liked finding the Tesco finest New Gluten free cookies. I know my diet isn't the cheapest but I do like to have a treat.

Body: Perfume is still my love and I have many bottles on my dressing table, but the same as last year I am still reaching for Next Sparkle. I have also gotten out the pink grapefruit body mist on the few days my arms have been out towards the end of this month.

For my birthday I got the Soap and Glory bumper box set (xmas gift set) I have been really liking the Orangism shower gel from this, With the citrus scent and creamy texture this is a great fresh way to help awaken me from a morning shower.

Face: I have fallen in love with the Nivea facial product range. I have been using daily the express hydrations primer. I can hand on heart say this is making my face look better before my make-up and giving me longer wear time. In the matching style tub of my day and night cream for £3.50.

Home: I have been trying hard to arrange the last few areas of my flat. The flat is vastly lacking in storage but I have been keeping on top of washing and cleaning which is making me put items away and therefore keeping the house neat and tidy. This mean that I am getting more me time to sit back, read a book or watch TV. (I am grateful of this)

Hair: this month has seen me cut off lots of my hair, this was a big change to start with but I now love that it takes less than 15 mins to “fully” do my hair. To me this means blow dry and straighten and under 5 mins from shower.

What have you been doing? And liking?

Nicola

Appreciate the little things:

Appreciate the little things:

Over the last week a lot of things have changed in my personal life. (Im not going to broadcast the ins and outs of this online.) However it has made me realise not to take anything for granted. Find what makes you happy, and work with that.

If something you are doing is making you unhappy or ill, you need to realise this and work towards and end goal to help make you better. That end result may not be easy, and could hurt others along the way. But as long as you think about it and take your time deciding what is the best outcome. Then you will get there in the end. 

It could be a massive leap of faith to believe in yourself and go for it. It doesn't have to be an entire life change. Just I have realised that you need to take a step back from your day to day life and see what doesn't seem to be working, and fix it.

However you do need to be appreciative of others and their feelings. Just because something may seem obvious to you, other people could be affected by the result. Take the time to think things through, talk to people for support if you need it and don't rush into anything. 

I know this may seem a little cryptic, but I hope the message I am aiming for gets through.

Speak Soon

Nic